ABC: Always Be Comparing - Part II: Parents

Comparing kids has been a part of my life from the time I've had my two children. Scratch that, since I got pregnant, comparing kids, or pregnancies, began.

"How much weight have you gained?"

"How long was your labor?"

"When did your daughter walk?"

"What percentile is your child's height?"

"Will you sign up for soccer?"

And the questions go on. They are mostly innocuous curiosities and most people are genuinely interested. But with some, it feels like a competition and I find myself feeling defensive or apologetic with my answers.

"The right amount of weight according to the doctor. Although 10 lbs more than you."

"Short, and not as eventful as yours."

"At the normal time. I hear yours was running a month earlier."

"I know he looks tall, but he's in the middle percentile."

"No, my child isn't interested."

As we entered school life, I felt more pressure. Other parents seemed to be signing their kids up for so many extra curricular activities like piano, ballet, and baseball. I never felt great answering, "Nothing." when someone asked what extra curricular activities my kids did. I felt embarrassed, or the need to explain why they didn't want to do anything.

So, I was hoping this would all go away when we started schooling at home. A lot of that did. I was right in some way. We were now part of a new community that, for various reasons, have chosen to take control of their kids' education. We share a secret, homeschooling is wonderful for so many reasons. When I talk to other parents who homeschool, I feel a camaraderie I didn't feel with parents in public school. I feel we are more peer-like as we share experiences and help one another get to where we want to be.

I don't know how to explain it, but it feels different to me when someone asks about our day and what we like to do. I feel their curiosity and wanting to get to know us more strongly than a desire to competing with us. Perhaps I'm more confident in where we are that I am more open to these inqueries. Or perhaps the competition to have a "super kid" that can do it all is truly gone? Maybe there is a general feeling of, "we are of like minds, let's stick together and support one another." Whatever the reason, I'm more at ease when talking to other homeschooling parents these days.

However, while I no longer feel as if I'm competing with the super, soccer mom, I still compare myself to other homeschooling moms. I see others teaching their kids Latin, Mandarin, grammar, history, science, and more. I wonder how they do it all. I want to do it all. I can't do it all. I find myself jealous that other moms seem to have a better grasp on their scheduling. On what curriculums they like. On goals they have set for their kids or themselves.

I try to forgive myself for any inadequacies I have. This year is my first year at homeschooling. I know most other parents took a year or two to figure it out and are perhaps still figuring it out as their children grow. I remind myself that all parents homeschool until age five, so why do we think we can no longer do it past age five? I do believe this. I also believe that the state and staff of the public school system cannot do it all. They decide what subset of "everything" the kids should learn and then they teach it.

I believe I am capable of learning what I need to do to help my kids become educated. I know that there are a lot of resources out there to help when the kids become smarter than me. Yet, at times, I feel inferior when all I can think is what I'm NOT offering my children. I am trying to focus on what I AM offering them and feeling confident that it's more than enough.

And so, I continue to compare myself to other parents, for better or for worse.

ABC: Always Be Comparing - Part I: Kids

I'm coming (it's hard for me to say this, I still can't say it definitively) to the conclusion that I will always be comparing my children to other children, no matter what.

When I first started thinking of homeschooling, I dreamed how nice it could feel to not compare my kids to other kids so often. As I walked the halls of the school, I would see the wonderful work of all the kids. I admit, I was looking, mostly to see what my own children were doing and how their artwork, handwriting, sentence structure, use of colors (and the list goes on) compared to that of their peers. I would take note of where my kids excelled, where they needed help and where they landed somewhere in the middle. I would delight in the ares where they excelled and think how brilliant they were. I would wonder how I could help them improve when they fell in the middle. I would panic if I saw that they were lacking in any area. I thought all of these feelings would go away. But I was wrong.

When we first began, I wondered how they were doing. Are they doing more than what is expected of a child their age? Are they falling behind because I'm not doing enough? Is it too much for me to expect them to do so much on their own? Are they too young for a project I picked and I should be more "hands-on" when helping? I felt really lost, and to be honest, I still do.

Their education is in my hands now. I can no longer say,

"Let the teacher figure it out."

Or

"Let the state determine what my child should know and how capable they are."

While I wanted to tailor their education to each individual, a big part in our decision to homeschool in the first place, it is an awesome responsibility. I realize how much I've been relying on others to figure out what my child should know, when they should know it and how they should learn it. For a long time, I haven't had to think about it. I just enrolled my child when they were supposed to, packed their lunch and sent them on their way. Now that the curriculum is up to me to decide, I realize I do not feel confident to make all the decisions.

Without other children to compare to my children, how am I supposed to know if they are ahead, in line or behind? Does it matter? Why does it matter? Should it matter? If they are where they "can be", is that good enough? Do I need to push them to where they "could be"?

Now that we've joined a few homeschooling groups, academic and extra curricular, the comparisons are there. Whether imagined or real, I still feel it. I watch the other kids and see how mine stack up. In some ways it's very comforting to have this gauge. Whether I feel better because it's a familiar place I've been before or whether it gives good feed back as to how we're progressing in our own milestones, I still don't know. For the most part, I like that these comparisons keep me from panicking too much as I see other children excelling and struggling (maybe in some of the same or different areas) just as much my kids are.